Honey Take a Whiff on me

well.... the 18th me and steve hung out again got a hotel talked and what not had sex, although his balls still hurt from his visectemy a week earlier... so it was real gentle and slow... anyways when we woke up the next morning we had a long talk about us and me and him and it all together...
--in general he said i really need to think about everything before i decide if i want to be with him or not... he said theres alot of stress that comes with him, alot more than i think and he would feel bad if it was laid upon me as well. --- there is a lot more to that conversation... ill go into that on a different day... i have talked to him sparatically since then, and he is really stressed out right now and alot of things are getting to him... so im not going to call him, so he has room to breath and think and just spend time alone and with his daughter... i dont want to cause anymore stress on him than he already has. he doesnt need that. but i would like to ask him to have a cup of coffee with me sometime so we can talk... well let him talk, let him vent if he needs it... and coffee and cigarettes always help... i want to help him...

well my spring break was fantastic, horrible, insane, random, repetative... pretty much everything you can think of
--heres a QUICK run down:
friday 17th- 2 and a half lines of coke, alot of driving,
saturday 18th- 2 lines of coke, 2 beers, steve and a hotel, talking sex, oh and some rum
sunday 19th- work :( one line of coke, snorted half a crushed up serequil, stayed with kristen
monday 20th- work :( , kristen came home with me, we dexed
tuesday 21st- still felt the dex, 2 lines of coke, stayed with elizabeth at tommy's, waxed peoples legs
wednesday 22nd- 3 lines of coke, stacy had a party, drank 3 shots of hot damn, 4 beers, 2 more lines of coke
thursday 23rd- borrowed 50 dollars collectively from different people, did 3 more lines of coke, girls night out at stacy's, drank 5 beers
friday 24th- more lines of coke...more alchohol... stayed at elizabeths
saturday 25th -3 lines of coke, stayed at stacy's went to bed early.
sunday 26th - went home... ate a lot of food... did one line of coke...snorted half a serequil
monday 27th-worked
tuesday 28th- lots of caffiene, lots of jack daniels, one line of coke

---so my spring break and even still has been odd...

--one more odd as hell thing....so sunday night i had a dream that my ex boyfriend (who moved to pheonix last summer) came back to town to visit and he came to katie and morgans (where i have been spending alot of my time) well monday i was at work and kristen calls and is all like 'sonja listen to this -- jay just walked in katie and morgans room...isnt that weird?' cause i had told her about the dream earlier that day, so it was weird for her too...so thats completely insane that what i dreamed came true the next day...weird weird weird... well i called him yesterday after not talking to him in months and months and we talked and finally i invited him for a quick coffee session soemtime before he goes back (which is tomorrow early morning)...he said he would get a hold of me... that would be incredible if he does... if not, oh well. i hope he has a safe flight back home!

wow i have a lot more to say... but i should go... i have other things to do at the moment

--i love the cocaine, i love the cocaine--

What A Wonderful Caricature Of Intimacy

...interesting. im feeling the need for another piercing--tongue? nose? i dont know.
i have some extra bucks this week, my resourceful self found some way into money on monday.

and thats all im gonna say about that.

so many secrets its driving me crazy. i wonder just how many people lie to eachother on a daily basis and how easily it goes undetected.

so i talked to steve yesterday while in school... i guess my brother called him and left him a message to tell him he was ok with me and steve talking and what not. steve seemed pleased with this, as am i. of course. he said that he likes talking to me and he wants to keep talking to me and hanging out and what not. and that he doesnt want to hurt me... he has to much respect for my family anyways. honeslty i have absolutely no idea what direction he wants this to go. i figure that right now it doesnt really matter as long as we keep talking and doing what weve been doing, and just let it go how it wants to go. it'll all turn out ok, good. great i hope.

michael told my mom that we would be good for eachother... i never knew he thought that, or would ever get to the point where he would think that.

on another note, im longing for a bit of pick me up before i have to work. i have already made my physical and mental self feel shitty enough this week (besides steve, he makes me happy) ...i need something... or atleast really want something... maybe i can find some today before work... i hope... that would be amazing.

if me and steve ever do end up getting together (which would be amazingly fantastic) than i wouldnt do that stuff anymore, i would stop all of it. because i dont need artificial happiness... its not that i was ever really unhappy, its just that there has always been that missing part... and when i get to talk to steve, he seems to fill that more than enough.

We Are Nowhere And Its Now

...what is he doing.
what is he thinking.
why?
the thursday night dinner thing never happened. for some reason it just didnt happen. his phone was tied up all night when i tried to call like he had told me to. i just dont understand. i havent talked to him since last wednseday...its been two days short of a week. i thought he had more respect for me than that?! more respect for my family than that.
why did he ask me to dance that saturday? why did he let me leave the bar with him? why did he give me his number and take mine? why did he call and talk to me? why did he want me to call him? why did he proceed to go as far to ask to do something with me on thursday night just to completely ignore the fact i was ever there?
maybe im over thinking this. maybe theres a good reason why he hasnt answered my phone calls (i only called twice), maybe theres a good reason why thursday never happened. i dont know. i feel extremely childish right now. i just thought he would at least have the desancy to say 'hey look, we cant do this. i made a mistake over the weekend and thats it.' -i mean if thats what hes thinking. and if its not, cant he let me in on whatever it may be? so i dont feel like i have been completely used. so i dont feel hurt. im so damn tired of trying to hold myself together because i might not meet standards of what everyone else thinks an 18 year old girl should be.
i told my mom about steve yesterday. she told me she saw it comming. i told her she couldnt say anything at all to michael and rachel because they would tell steve, and steve might get upset. and i dont want to start anything with that whole mess.
i dont know....i am entirely too confused. i wish he would just call and tell me what he is thinking so we can either keep talking or what not, or stop. hes old enough, he should at least know how to handle these things better.

damn you. damn you for causing me to not think straight. and only think about you. err.

The Difference in the Shades

the air was warm yesterday, so we thought we would take connor outside. we thought we would let him explore the outside world which he doesnt get to see to incredibly often. he ran around and giggled and mocked with those tiny little teeth showing. and they were next door, fighting. which doesnt seem surprising, considering the bitch i hear she is. but i suppose it probably put him in a bad mood, which of course it would anyone. i wonder what she was yelling at hime about. i wonder why she thought it a good idea to make him feel so shitty. i would never make him feel shitty, that would be the last thing in the world i would ever want for him. oh god i want so bad to make him happy, happy. and to love his daughter and watch him love her. i watched him yesterday, looking up at me in between statements to her. in between goodbyes and good riddances. i watched him watch me. that little man with that big heart. that big heart that comforted me that night so long ago when i felt alone, when i felt like i was loosing my brother. but he assured me 'no, no, he loves you, hes just starting a family. dont worry he loves you.' he danced with me, and humored me. and for four years watched me grow from a girl into a woman and cared for me in some way all the while.
tonight we are going to dinner...he said he wants to take me out. i am surprised that he is not scared to accidentally run into someone he works with...everyone here knows im mike's little sister...everyone knows how bad that is, to be seen with steve. but hes taking me out anyway...i hope it goes well.

Everything Must Belong Somewhere

...unless your me.
oh how the vibes look and the people feel...the numbness of your throat, your nose, your mouth. the alert sense, the happy brain. the emotion. yes people were beautiful, i loved them. they watched me with smiles, 'oh look how cute she is being'. there were nerves, many of them....and excitement and anxiousness. i didnt want anyone to leave, i could have stood there in that room with those people forever...dammit, i have to go home. but morning came soon and warm and inviting, kristen was sitting up in her work clothes already, i was sound asleep untill 'hey, i think your peircing sunk into your face'...nope still there. work was work, just slightly more standable. ...ahh, but soon it was over and that brilliant vibrant room was there, waiting...that amazing powder was hidden in it, waiting...waiting to be sucked through my nostril, mine mine! to drain down my throat leaving me with a god awful taste but the effects made up for the taste, in fact it left me yearning for the taste later...my gums wanted more, my teeth, and my tongue, my throat my nose...my brain... i loved those people. i loved that room. that chair. that music. that smell. those voices, and sounds. i loved the driving and singing and tapping and moving and being. ....then 4 am came and i was still awake...driving, alone. driving and waiting, wanting sleep, but not tired. ...then 6 am came, and i met with tish we talked and then finally slept...finally i slept. but not well. only to wake at 11 to go to work... but the caffiene i had in my purse saved me from falling asleep on the job... and oh its a monday, and oh im off, and oh i want some more! oh i wish i knew a way to make some money.

----steve. im torturing myself.... i want him, i want him.... damnit, i must stop-----

i never belong never belong never belong. im odd, im uncomprehensable, not understandable, nothing special, slightly crazy, moderately weird, hopeless romantic...no guy has mutual love with me. its either one or the other with the feelings. so i will never marry. no friend understands what im trying to say to them when all of the sudden im tired of sitting here so i would rather be up walking... i hate stagnation. i never belong anywhere...this whole week in some way or another i have gone up and down and around and somehwere in the midst of it all at some moment in time at some unpredicatable, quick, missed moment i belonged. once. and it felt amazing. but i cant seem to place where and when and why this happened, if i could figured that out i would go back there. to that spot, with that state of mind, with those people-if there were people at the time. i must belong somewhere right? somewhere, someday right? atleast with myself?......

...dammit steve....4 years, 4 years....it seems like a life time ago...i seem like a different person...dammit steve, it was inevitable...

sunrise, sunset

some weeks drag on in almost precise repatition. it draws on leaving you tired and begging for it to end so as you might be able to salvage your last drop of excitement during the weekend.

then there are the weeks that are thrown in your life in no strategic order. where everyday is random and spontaneous and it whirls by with ups and downs. the days run together then and it feels like everything you crammed into that short 7 days should have taken a month to fit in. -i had one of those weeks.

ever since last friday its been one surprise after another. monday steve called, twice while i was in class, then at 3:30 we talked for about 15 mintues, then again at 4:30, another 15 minutes of conversation. i never thought he would actually use my number. lord knows i wasnt brave enough to ever use his. tuesday was the funeral...that was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do since my grandpa's passing in october. they had a slideshow of pictures of him while everyone was finding a place to sit at the funeral. that sent tears, as well as everything else. like when the preacher was talking he built brad (the man that died) up to be some awesome person, who accomplished so much in only 42 years. he went on and on about how he was a loving family man and loved helping people out and thats all he lived for. -LIES! dont get me wrong, hes gone, and its upsetting. but if you knew the man you would say the same. i grew up with him! i saw him get drunk everyday and yell and beat his wife! i saw him treat his step son and daughter like shit! yes, he was a good person when he wasnt drunk or fucked up on some drug, but once he was that was it. hes gone now, and poor lacey (his daughter) didnt even get a chance to build a good relationship with him. i wish he could have been a better man while he was here...for his family at least. ----i ended up getting stoned after the funeral...i really was looking to think that night.

thursday night (last night) i stayed in town and went to the bar...at about 11:30 me and scott got kicked out, -he let me take a drink of his beer and the bartender saw i suppose- after we got kicked out all of our friends left the bar and we went and partied at jessies. stacy was having a bad night so i took her home and went with scott to his friend mikes house and we sat around and drank untill about 3:30 am. then i carefully drove back to stacy's to crash, which wasnt a huge success because her damn cat kept laying on my head. err. so i only got about 3 hours of sleep before i got to grace school with my wonderful (exhausted, scroungy) presence. blah. i really want to take a shower right now. so im running off 3 hours of sleep and i get to work tonight! fun! im going to be dragging so much ass...5-10...thats not too bad, oh yeah i forgot i still have to take kristen home..damn her for living out of town.

side note-friends should not talk about other friends sex lives with random people, especially when the friend whose sex life your talking about happens to be giving you rides home every night, regardless of previous plans, listening to your problems, trying to cheer you up, and pretty much putting you before all other friends...not a fair trade.