How did I get here?

Sometimes I am like... 'How did I get here?'

I have no idea really. I haven't done in journaling in almost a year; I feel like it would help maybe sort through common my-life-is-about-to-be-completely-different woes.

So 2010 was the hardest year I have had. I was completely broken, I had lost all self-esteem, self-worth, and especially self-respect. The year started out with my ex-husband leaving me on my birthday, spending 8 days in jail, then going back home to Missouri with only a few bags of clothes and my beloved cat. I had lost everything. With the help of my Mother I began slowly learning how to be independent and not rely on a man for the things I needed. This was easier than I thought. I had learned over that year how to lock out any kind of emotion, which is now (in 2012) still hindering my ability to show affection to my current boyfriend who probably feels unloved quite a bit. So I had my own place, I was a shift manager at a restaurant, and I had money saved up in the bank. However, emotionally I was confused, and I tried too hard to feel something for anyone but I never could. I couldn't even stand the thought of sleeping next to someone at night. If I even made it to sleep that year.. I spent the second half of 2010 wasting away what was left of myself on meth. I can't even look at pictures from that year because in all of them I was probably high. I get disgusted with myself every time I remember that year.

In January of 2011 I decided I couldn't stay in Clinton and do that to myself anymore, I finally decided that ruining the rest of my life wasn't hurting Jesse, he hadn't cared about me since the moment he walked out of the door. If anything he would have probably been happy with the reckless decisions I made in my life without him. So I moved to Lawrence. I would cut off all contact with any friends from Clinton except for LeTisha, who I would talk to but refuse to go visit. Clinton was not going to be a place where I was going to be anymore. And wasting away was something I was not going to let myself do anymore.

Lawrence was a great idea. Since moving here about 15 months ago I have been an Assistant Manager at a hotel where I met my now boyfriend. I quit smoking pot 10 months ago, I quit biting my fingernails 11 months ago, I quit smoking cigarettes 8 months ago, and I quit drinking 7 months ago. --Now before I quit drinking I was having one margarita at dinner if we went out (which was about once a week sometimes less) so it wasn't an issue but I kind of had to stop having a margarita at dinner. Because also about 7 months ago I got pregnant. Now my boyfriend and I had only been dating since late April and I found out I was pregnant in October, so kind of fast; but even though I haven't even got to hold my baby yet I love him more than I thought I could love something. All I can think is 'what can I do to make sure he has the best life ever?' My boyfriend, Luis, is very traditional and has a good job so he wants me to be a stay-at-home mom. Which I am happy with, I think; but I can't know that because I have never had to stay home and take care of a baby before. But I can't imagine I wouldn't love it, every decision I make or think about making is all about the baby.

It's overwhelming sometimes.. Sometimes I think "what if Luis and I can't stay together, what would I do then? I want my baby to have a family; to have his mom AND dad. I want him to feel love all the time and never have to ask the questions I had to like 'does my dad even love me? will he ever come see me?' " It breaks my heart thinking about it. This is a life changing thing I can never take back and I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. Am I stupid that I wasn't more careful? What if Luis and I don't work out.. am I going to be alone forever because no one wants to raise a child that's not theirs. More questions like this I ask myself, it is very overwhelming and very scary. So badly I hope everything works out, but after being abandoned myself by my father, my brother, and my ex-husband, it's hard to see someone staying.