nostalgia is a bitch

so i am here at home, surfing the internet, being bored, and thinking WAY too much.

to just jump right into it... i have made the biggest decision i will ever make in my life: to marry somebody, namely cory richardson. he makes he happy, hes my best friend, we work so well together, and most importantly, i love him. in may of 2008 we will make the commitment to each other to spend the rest of our lives together, which is a huge deal. and i suppose one doesnt really realize how huge of a deal it is until they really sit down and think about it. now i am perfectly happy with the decision i have made to spend the rest of my life with him, it just makes you think about the life you had leading up to the moment you know?

now i have met some amazing people in my short 19 years, and i cant even begin to describe the way each one has made their own mark in my life. its really just overwhelming to think about everything i have done, and everyone that has come and gone along the way. certain things i feel regret towards, other things i feel priveledged to have gotten certain opportunities to have gotten to share moments in time with so many different and wonderful people. but where did those people go?! i wish they were still apart of my life, but sadly thats how life goes i guess, and it cannot be changed. it really makes me think a great deal about how we only have this one single life that seems to take forever when your young but in the end will have gone by far too quickly. and i am constantly worried upon the fact that i must make it count. i must do the things i want, and be the person i want to be. it comes down to making every decision very thought out and very precise as to how it will effect any situation in anyway. what if i make a mistake? everyone makes mistakes i know, but to really think about the short amount of time we have here it just makes mistakes seem like there is no room for them. i feel like i dont have the proper time to make mistakes, or to make the wrong choice. i feel like i should be great. i should do something meaningful, i should really take life 'by the horns' if you will. its all just a scary scary mess.

after so long i feel that words dont even matter. as if you could say anything you want to somebody, make any statement, and in the end if one cant see it within you, they have some odd 6th sense to know that they are just words. that they are only letters formed together to prove some point that will fade soon after. i feel that when i talk it is meaningless, it is nonsense to everyone else and i might as well have been mute. i remember some of the things i have said to some people and i know just how i felt when i said them, and i know that when i said them, at the time i completely believed in what i was saying. it drives me crazy now, to know that i have believed those things then, but where the hell are they now? why arent those words still true? will the words i say now be true in a year? my mind seems like its changing all the damn time! its a good thing i know, because i can look back through my life and see all of the changes i have made within myself, and all of the progress i have shown, and its like cant anybody else see that? if it was all laid out in black and white i would be able to say 'wow i am growing into a very responsible, conformed, yet mildly mental adult. but when i think about how i feel about it, its like why am i not the person i thought i was going to be? why am i so god damn normal? why am i working in a factory, in the town i hate, surrounded by memories that chase me everywhere...

i have so much more i want to say... its just all a mess up there right now. this whole thing was a result of thinking about 10 things at once, and surpressing it for far too long.

*me: how come you just dont understand me sometimes?
cory: because you think deep, and i have never been able to.*