Overwhelmed

I have been much too stressed out for my own good lately. I am hoping writing about it will help relieve some pressure. I would very much like to relax a little.

To start with I am about to begin my eight month of pregnancy.. wow, eight months. My due date is creeping up pretty fast. I am both excited to see my little baby boy and scared for the labor and the fact that my whole life is never ever ever going to be the same again EVER. Which is also kind of appealing, the fact that my life will never ever be the same. Good. Not that I don't enjoy my life, this past year I have enjoyed my non dramatic, sober, boring, reclusive life very much. But I have been rather bored, and I don't want to fill that boredom with social activity at some bar or some party where you get so drunk you wake up the next day not being able to remember the last 5 hours of the night, and also being a little thankful you can't remember those last 5 hours because you have a gut feeling that you did something just as stupid as you did last time you got black out drunk (which was probably 4 days earlier). Yeah, I don't miss that feeling. Or a lot of other feelings I have had between the ages of 16 and 23. There were some good times crammed in those years, but there was a lot more confusion and loss inside there than good, and a lot more of "What the hell is 'Sober'?"

--Getting a little off track here.. anyway I get to fill my upcoming days with a whole new purpose in life, which I definitely am looking forward too. I am very much looking forward to feeling a love for some human that I made that people say you will never feel for anything else in this world. I get to teach this little human things and watch what it discovers on its own; and I can't wait to see the baby make some facial expression that his dad makes or that I make. And tons of other things. I'm not going to miss the things I do now because frankly I DO NOTHING. Will I miss sleeping a lot? Probably. Will I miss lounging around the house going from computer to tv trying to find something interesting to look at until it's time to make dinner? NO. Really though, I'm not sure how things are going to be in 2 months except for that I will have a sweet little baby to take care of and I hope to God I don't raise him to be a bad person.

Thing #2 that's looming over my head: My move out date. This one is reeeeaaally getting to me! I currently live in a one bedroom apartment.

Obviously this isn't going to work for us anymore after we add a baby; also Kansas rental laws state only 2 people per bedroom max. So I have about 15 days to move outta here! Now, I have been aware of this fact since I got pregnant, and even starting looking for another place as early as February. Well here it is April 15 and we need to be out by May 1 (May 8 really but I would like to have time to clean up in here and Luis only has one day off of work a week, and my eight month pregnant butt won't be moving anything). We thought we had a great place, started the paper work back around March 14th, they decided to take there sweet ass time and didn't get back to me with an answer until 3 days ago!!!! Mind you I had them on the phone at least twice a week wondering what was taking so long. In the end we were fed up with the whole situation and they lied to us about some things and what we really wanted to do was buy instead of rent so we opted out of that deal. And that relieved a lot of stress for me, because I was hardcore stressing over that for a month! I have worked as a leasing agent for an apartment community, it takes 10 minutes to run a credit and background check. After that it may take up to a week for outside references to get back with you (banks, employers, previous rental companies) but NOT A MONTH. Needless to say I am extremely upset with these people. So I started looking around last week at other places and I have found a really nice only 12 year old mobile home for sale with all new appliances and carpet and 3 bedrooms and 2 baths and a laundry room which would be perfect for our growing family, I looked at that Friday and Luis thinks it's a really good idea. We would only have to finance it for 6 years, my mom is coming up tomorrow to go look at it again with me and then I am going to start the paperwork so we will see how that goes *fingers crossed*.

--Which brings me to the most stressful thing of all.. Luis. No, I don't mean he is stressing me out, he is great, he is making things as easy as possible for me, he knows just how to shut me up when I go off worrying about nothing. It's his immigrant status that is what is stressing me out so bad I could SCREAM! Everyday I search around on google for different accounts of other people in my situation and there is not a lot of 'Oh, it worked out awesomely and now we are all one big happy legal family' I don't want to go in to this subject to much, but this whole process is just very expensive, and the outcome is very uncertain. It makes things very scary when you are about to give birth to a baby who's father who came here for a better life could be sent back any time to his home just because of how he came here. It's just so terrifying you can't imagine. Luis came here to work harder than anybody I have personally ever met has worked. He works 12 hours a day 6 days a week for the past 5 years and has not once even called in sick. He doesn't drink or smoke or even swear. He works hard for his money and only wants to help his family. How many people do you know leave everything they know to work their ass off just to send it to their mom and dad so they might afford medicine and a doctor? And the government wants to make it so hard for these people to even gain residency. I have spent many of emotional pregnant mood swings crying and feeling hopeless about this. I could go on and on and on about this but I think it best not to right now. Maybe next time. This was the main reason I sat down to write this. Maybe I should stop googling about these things and try to find some way to lift my spirits. Because he is here now, and whatever happens in the future I just have to be strong enough to deal with...