No More Justifying

*i dont know if i spelled that right*


so i have always always been inclined to pity myself in situations like the one i happen to have eased my way into.... this time i dont feel to sorry for myself... more or less i feel sorry for everyone around me. im used to my actions, they dont effect me so much anymore, and every now and then i blame it on growing up, so all in all the crazy things i do dont get to me. so now for the first time really, i think i feel sorry for everyone else, because of what i felt necessary to put them threw.

ill be perfectly and blantantly (sp?) honest here... the things i do, whether people like to take it or not, i have done since i was little in one way or another. i have always been running around doing whatever i can to be the most dramatic, the most experienced, the most 'craziest'. thats me, not that its right, it actually shows a real drastic fall in maturity, but im trying to work on it. and if half of everyone i talk to now, knew me 3 years ago, they would agree i have improved. im not nearly as emotionally as a used to be, mainly because of the fact i have tried everything i can to push those emotions away.

and to set everything straight, i dont do the things i do because i have a bad life. i dont. my moms a little out there, but all in all im pretty content. the main reason i do anything is for the first hand knowledge for when i write those stories i start so much. so i can better understand... for me its a way of learning. i like to do things to see peoples reactions, because at only high dramatic points will you really see what people feel for you. its wrong, morally yes, but then again i guess its a good thing everyone is entitled to their own morals.

now as for the whole drug bit, i PROUDLY -thank you- have NOT touched even cold medicine in 2 months. and you know maybe thats not as good as a year or 18 months, but its a goddamn start. and yeah... i drink alcohol. so what. who doesnt? a select few. im not by any means saying that everyone should, but im saying everyone can make their own decision on their choice of how their going to party, mine happens to be alcohol, because right now, i figure that its better to drink than it is to be doing anything else i could have been. and im not the only normal person in the world who does it.

now there are alot of things i do with my time that other people might not think is right. but you know what? im not living for other people. when i decide im bored with where im at, ill change it. and dammit do you know how scary it is to be at a place in your life where you were too late on the dealines for college and you cant go back to highschool and you look at yourself and all you have to show for it is a couple thousand dollars in debt and a few too many notches on your belt? and too look back at the past few months knowing i did nothing worth anyones breath or time? but you know, thats why im fixing things. and it can be done and i can fix things, and im not the only person who knows that. ive done it before, and ill fucking do it again... so you can have no faith in me, and you can think all you want that i wont end up where i want to be in life someday because i will.

and you wanna know something? it takes a couple years to let it all go, not a couple days.

well i guess i just want to apologize for everyone that got hurt by my careless actions. and as much as i want to i really cant go back in time to change any of the mistakes i've made, and you know i wouldnt even if i could. cause i wouldnt be sonja with out them. -thats real cliche i know-

Something Vague

my summer in a nutshell:

June was filled with drinking and steve. mine and steve's relationship had gotten to the point where i thought it was serious, he would talk about spending the rest of his life with me and so on. and i thought i was happy. i thought everything would turn out amazing. he even gave me a key to his apartment so i could stay there when i didnt want to drive home. which i considered grand because i enjoyed being woke up when he got home from work in the morning. i also moved out of my house at the end of june. which is the main reason i stayed with steve alot of the time. although that didnt last for long.

july roled around and mason was born, although with complications which landed him a spot in childrens mercy hosptial for a month. thank god everything worked out ok. steve ended things over the phone like a jackass. i let it get to me for that day and then after the fact i was fine. instead i just filled my days with alot of drinking. in july i also slipped up for a week or two and got back into cocaine, i bought a quarter gram, then a half gram, then a gram. i finished it pretty quickly. after that i got my curious not sober mind wrapped around the idea of trying a new drug, meth, i ended up doing it twice and it didnt go over to well. the first time i stayed up for 3 fucking days and on the first night threw up everytime i would breath to much and i drank way to much water. the second time i did it i was up for 2 days and that was pretty damn miserable as well. the come down off of that drug was probably the worst come down i have ever experienced, i ended up trying to kill myself for well of a week because of the come down. the first night i tried to kill myself i took 20 ibuprofen 4 tylenol and 6 of this prescription pill someone else had in their kitchen... it didnt work. the next time i took about 32 tylenol all that made me do was puke my freaking guts up. the next time i tried i took a piece of glass when i was trashed as hell and slit my wrist... obviously not very deep, i just remember the guys apartment i was at one of the roommates found me on the bathroom floor, and got pissed because i got blood on the floor and because i couldnt walk down the stairs by myself because i was so weak. in conclusion: i will never do meth again. yuck! oh and ill never try to kill myself again. all in all july was a pretty crazy month

between the end of july and the end of august i quickly became the party whore. i got drunk almost every single night find a random guy and... well be a whore. safe to say that got old real fast. i was also living in overland park for 2 weeks in august working at the mall and living with a few friends up there until my mother decided she missed me and i should come back home. so i did. and until now was still trashed all the god damn time and lacked responsibilty, now i have a job that i go in for orientation tomorrow, and its pretty much one of the best jobs you can have here in clinton without a college degree. so im pretty excited, ecspecially because it offers magnificent insurance and benefits. im extremely excited. and i should be in my bed trying to fall asleep right now so i can wake up by 8. but i think over the summer my body forgot how to sleep at night. the earliest i usually get to bed is 3 am. it blows.

...life is starting, i need to focus...