May 6, 2010
Love Equals Lie
All I can think of are curves
Curves of a jawline
Curves of a waistline
The curve of a milky white neck
All smooth, all strong
All belonging to someone I don't know
Someone unknown
All that crosses my mind
Are painfully lonely thoughts
Because I am alone
Because I am all I have
What's it like to be loved?
How does it feel to be touched with caring hands?
What's it like not to be lied to?
With lying eyes
Shut those lying eyes!
Shut them and go
Leave me alone
Leave me,
So only I can lie to myself.
October 5, 2010
Let me just start by saying "Whoa, I can't believe it's been almost nine months!" I should get a refund for all that time.
Nine months ago my life was completely different. Everything about my life has changed in the past year. What a whirlwind it seems to have been since graduating high school. So many changes, so many mistakes.
Too many of the same ones.
Let's out the reminiscing/catching up bullshit for some good ol' fashion boy talk. Or should it be man? I don't feel like I should be old enough to hand out with men?! Either way.
So a week or so ago I met this dude. And let me say 'not even 5% of ANYTHING I would go for in a man' Completely opposite of what I like, what I believe. All the things I don't like in people he seems to be. Well maybe not that extreme, but close. I make fun of that! I get on to Tisha for being into bad boys and 'wangters' Lol I haven't used that word in a really long time.
Let's see, his hair his super super short- something I don't prefer. He has a little bit of a belly EW! He is violent. I mean Come On! When have I ever been with a violent man? Um, he has FIVE (5) 5 kids. Yeah. 5. Two different baby mamma's! 2! There are two things in one I have always said I will never do: Date someone with kids, especially 2 baby mamma's! WTF! WTF? WHAT THE FUCK.
He's 30, which we all know I usually date older so that's no deal. He's into some shit that I would never even give someone like that a glance. Once again, WTF? He doesn't say goodbye sometimes when he is leaving somewhere, which I just find odd. Did I mention he has 5 kids? Shit man. Anyway, I'm sure I made my point on how not my type he is.
So then.. Why did I sleep with him? Other than the obvious 'I'm recently divorced and have always had a very premiscuos lifestyle.' However I'm still trying to talk to him, Why?
--So I took a break from writing this for a few minutes and was thinking about the situation and if I think too much into things that could turn out badly. Embarrassing even. I feel like I shouldn't even elaborate on this. But I had been thinking a little about the situation today. I should stop calling it 'the situation' haha. I mean there isn't a 'situation'. I just for some reason have taken an interest in this dude. If I had to guess at why all the sudden I'm attracted to polygamous-wangster-dad's I would say maybe since my husband -shit ex-husband- was so straight and narrow, successful, and caring but behind it all was some crazy ass plan of mental sabotage and abandonment. It seems all the truly evil people are the ones we trust the most, the ambitious, charming, successful - evil. ...So maybe I think someone so obviously bad could turn out to be a genuinely caring? --I know, why on earth would I even for a second say that? --I'll finish this another time. Bed Time.
October 11, 2010
So he didn't turn out to be any better of a person than I would have expected. He came over and hung out on the 6th, last Wednesday.. And, well, He fucking stole 50.00 out of my purse! And hour after he leaves my house he calls me: "Hey, I took 50 bucks out of your purse, hey I apologize, hey I'll bring it back."
WHAT?! Yeah, dude straight up stole from me after I let him into my home and am nothing but nice and accommodating! -- At first I was like "Alright, he called and admitted to it, and he's gonna bring it back... maybe he does have human feelings." Except for instead of bringing the money back he ignored me for 3 days then gave me a motherfuckin' pistol as collateral until he got the 50.00 to pay me. What?! A fucking gun? I don't even know how to use a gun! This whole situation - and yeah it feels like a situation now - just keeps getting wackier and wackier! At this point he has gotten me interested for some stupid reason and boy got that 'dope dick'. Shit. Shit. Shit. So he promises to return in a few days with the money. In spite of good judgement, at all, I'm still talking to him. Fuck me I'm stupid.
October 14, 2010
What the hell kind of situation did I get myself into? Geez. I mean, everything is still going good with me financially and work wise, but if I slip up just a little I could loose everything I worked so hard for since the divorce (the filing of the divorce). So I really, really, can't continue on living this lifestyle. I need to get my priorities straight, and focus on work, myself, and my future. I've been doing really good besides little slip ups here and there but I can't... If I continue fucking around with this dude things could get terrible. So I'm going to tap the breaks here and go back to trying, at least a little, to deal with things....
October 18, 2010
Shit. I did nothing but get high and veg out today. I mean, I saw Tisha, Stacy, and Josh today, but I feel a tiny bit down. Jeff gave me ten bucks the other night, So I guess he's got 40.00 more to go. I wish he would get a hold of me... It's bad for me to say that, but shit, I wish he would get a hold of me... I'm just silly and lonely. It'll be different one day.
My thoughts seem alot emptier these days than they used to be. But If I were to let them wander anywhere it would be to Jesse first and that wound is just as fresh as the day it happened. I wonder how long it will take for it to seem like a distant memory.
....You'll be loved, You'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never Occurred
Someday, you will, be loved.....
Old DeathCab song, I hope that's true of Jesse.
-I need to shower, then maybe go to Josh's...hopefully, or, blah...
--I took a bath, I feel much better. I haven't called Josh cause I know I only want to go over there for 2 reasons. And one of those reasons leads to the other. So ultimately one reason. That I can't even be sure would pan out tonight... I should just stay here and relax, clear my head. Although I hope Jeff calls. Err.
Halloween is coming up.. I don't know what I'm going to be.. What another empty thought.
--There is nothing to be sad about,
Turn the corners of your mouth slightly upward
And brighten your eyes
There is nothing to be sad about.--
October 22, 2010
I got my money. Jeff paid me back. That's a relief. So, at least he righted his wrong. Not that I trust him, AT ALL, but he took responsibility for his actions.
Nick's moving out this weekend!!! YAY!!! I'm going to turn that second bedroom into an office/craft room--who knows. I have been trying to come up with ideas for the apartment decor but I am having a little trouble. And everything costs money. Which I'm trying to save a lot of. And now that I won't be making that 250.00 a month from Nick I'm not sure how easy it will be.
--I feel like I have forgotten how to write poems all together--
Let's see what can be
If we splash a little paint
on a 'clean slate' canvas
Weathered till smoothed by the pain
The pain that brought storms
Storms upon deafening storms
Razor-blade lightning and acid rain
Raging on and on
Until smoothed by the pain
So I gathered the memories of you
That lye scattered throughout my things
And buried them for now
For peace of mind now
October 23, 2010
Well. I have so many different, random thoughts floating around in my head, and not one of them are important enough for me to be spending time thinking about, let alone write about.
At this very moment I want so many things. I'm just not sure how many of those things are worth wanting. I wish there was a way to find some answers.
So.. this might sound retarded but (the fuck?! I'm starting to use disclaimers in my own journal!)
I kind of have been wondering lately if I have smoked way too much pot that I am loosing memory. --I'm not exactly sure on whether that's even proven, but I hope I'm not. And if this is true, I'm going to have to switch to once-a-month smoking,...or fortnight smoking, haha.
I wish I was better at staying in a good mood/being positive. I have gotten a great deal better at it than I used to be, but I can stand to get even better. If not that, I at least wish I was good at pretending to be happy. But not the fake happy that's really obvious that it's fake, but the fake happy that looks so real you would never know they weren't.
I need to write stories.
October 24, 2010
Writing used to be such a big part of me. I defined myself by my writing, I still do really... Guess that means I'm ghostly. Barely there. Blocked. Jesse is that block I'm sure of it. It's been 9 months, a long, hard, nine months. He is the block that is stuck in all my emotions. He must be removed before I can learn to feel again. I'm so tired of not being able to feel. The only two emotions I have been able to genuinely feel are anger and emptiness/loneliness. I have ghost feelings. I think I need to write a 'mock' letter to him and for the first time get out everything in me I want to say. But I am so scared of doing that, I am so afraid of the pain. But if I ignore it I know it will only get worse.
I forgot how to be human; forgot how to be more than just a shell. I have hung out with some people this past year but not one can I even begin to feel something more for than physical presence. Just company. I'm so tired of being empty. Feeling alone, not being sure of myself, self conscious, paranoid, and emotionally untrusting. How am I going to get out of this? --I know I'll get out eventually I just have to stay positive -- there's a good and a bad side to everything.. but that doesn't stop it from hurting..
...They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, not it don't break even...
Reminds me of Jesse. There are a lot of songs that do that, but I have gotten REALLY great at turning my thinking switch OFF, especially when it comes to music. I try not to think below the surface as much as I can actually. It's really hard when it comes to TV though so I usually just avoid all sad shows ever.
I keep laying here trying to think of how I would start the 'mock' letter to Jesse and just the tiny peak I took into that pool of memories hurt, just thinking about the flood gates that would open is overwhelming. There is just so much more to it than Jesse and I (however that's about 80% of it) -there was Jasper, B-ry, Jeff & Jessica, Phil, Woody, and worst of all Mason. I think Mason and I were made from the same soul. Fuck I miss him so much. It's still easier to think about Mason than Jesse. It's so hard to even let myself. Fuck. Fuck me I'm so bitter.
October 25, 2010
Today was my day off, I slept until 3:30 after going to bed at 1:00. So I got like 2 days worth of sleep and of course I'm still tired. Tomorrow night is my first night closing by myself. Well Ann is going to be there cause I don't have a key yet, but after that I'll be a closing manager! It feels good to be promoted at work, to have them think I am doing a good enough job and trust me enough to give me that responsibility.
I don't think I have that much to say today... I wish I had a longer break from work than just one day a week sometimes..
Nick Moved out today!!!
..No one's coming home now.
October 26, 2010
It's too late for me not to be sleeping if I have to work in the morning. And I do. --Frisky Dingo is amazing, Killface is hilarious! My feet are freezing.. I don't think I have anything important to say... I closed by myself tonight, with the exception of Ann. But it went good.
October 27, 2010
I have been munching on so much food these past couple days. I really wish I had something. Even though I know I shouldn't. I need to load a bowl and forget about it....
-Only 2 hits and I already feel better. I even feel a little warmer. I feel like Christmas time inside. :) I'm going to light an apple-cinnamon-spice candle.. that smells like Christmas time.
Speaking of Christmas I have absolutely no Christmas decorations! Jesse kept them all :( which toootally sucks cause I had some pretty sentimental ones in there. Just thinking about it makes me a little nauseous.
Whatev. I'll just have to buy some new ones. Make new memories here on out.
October 28, 2010
I need to go the bank.. and Wal-Mart. I also need to clean. It's hard to go places without a car. I wish there was some way I could afford one right now. I think it would feel really good to have a car. My car used to be my sanctuary, my ticket to freedom. You can drive anywhere, anytime. But now I have no car. It's restricting. However it is money saving. I don't have insurance or gas or a car payment. All pretty spendy things.
I am really proud of myself for doing things independently. I mean I work, and I work hard, for my home and the extra's I've been able to afford. (by extra's there is really only one extra) The Internet! It feels good to know I can actually count on myself to take care of things. I was always afraid I lacked that ability. The ability to live like a responsible adult. Like my dad. I just always had that in the back of my mind. Well not anymore! I know I can do this life, I know I can make it through anything. I am becoming a good, strong person. It feels elating! This whole experience with Jesse really toughened my skin. Don't get me wrong I still have a long road ahead, but this is a great start.
I can think about anything from the past year without getting upset, even the time I spent in jail, but before that, anything about Jesse, our apartment, Colorado (it hurts to even overhear people talk about their vacations to the Springs or Denver) is fuzzy and painful..
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Did I mention my roommate Nick moved out? Cause he did, like 3 days ago. It's amazing. But I am having so much trouble figuring out what to do in that other bedroom. I thought about office/craft room, but that means my sole source of bedroom entertainment would move into the spare room. Which means if I do that I would have to make it as comfortable in there for me as possible. However, I could see anyone coming or going in the parking lot. And I thought about moving the TV into my bedroom, then I could play playstation and watch DVD's. Then my living room would look super bare. I would like for my bedroom to look more like a bedroom. I need to do some more painting in here.
October 30, 2010
When I grabbed this to write in tonight I had like 50 million things on my mind, but now I'm blank....
