Overwhelmed

I have been much too stressed out for my own good lately. I am hoping writing about it will help relieve some pressure. I would very much like to relax a little.

To start with I am about to begin my eight month of pregnancy.. wow, eight months. My due date is creeping up pretty fast. I am both excited to see my little baby boy and scared for the labor and the fact that my whole life is never ever ever going to be the same again EVER. Which is also kind of appealing, the fact that my life will never ever be the same. Good. Not that I don't enjoy my life, this past year I have enjoyed my non dramatic, sober, boring, reclusive life very much. But I have been rather bored, and I don't want to fill that boredom with social activity at some bar or some party where you get so drunk you wake up the next day not being able to remember the last 5 hours of the night, and also being a little thankful you can't remember those last 5 hours because you have a gut feeling that you did something just as stupid as you did last time you got black out drunk (which was probably 4 days earlier). Yeah, I don't miss that feeling. Or a lot of other feelings I have had between the ages of 16 and 23. There were some good times crammed in those years, but there was a lot more confusion and loss inside there than good, and a lot more of "What the hell is 'Sober'?"

--Getting a little off track here.. anyway I get to fill my upcoming days with a whole new purpose in life, which I definitely am looking forward too. I am very much looking forward to feeling a love for some human that I made that people say you will never feel for anything else in this world. I get to teach this little human things and watch what it discovers on its own; and I can't wait to see the baby make some facial expression that his dad makes or that I make. And tons of other things. I'm not going to miss the things I do now because frankly I DO NOTHING. Will I miss sleeping a lot? Probably. Will I miss lounging around the house going from computer to tv trying to find something interesting to look at until it's time to make dinner? NO. Really though, I'm not sure how things are going to be in 2 months except for that I will have a sweet little baby to take care of and I hope to God I don't raise him to be a bad person.

Thing #2 that's looming over my head: My move out date. This one is reeeeaaally getting to me! I currently live in a one bedroom apartment.

Obviously this isn't going to work for us anymore after we add a baby; also Kansas rental laws state only 2 people per bedroom max. So I have about 15 days to move outta here! Now, I have been aware of this fact since I got pregnant, and even starting looking for another place as early as February. Well here it is April 15 and we need to be out by May 1 (May 8 really but I would like to have time to clean up in here and Luis only has one day off of work a week, and my eight month pregnant butt won't be moving anything). We thought we had a great place, started the paper work back around March 14th, they decided to take there sweet ass time and didn't get back to me with an answer until 3 days ago!!!! Mind you I had them on the phone at least twice a week wondering what was taking so long. In the end we were fed up with the whole situation and they lied to us about some things and what we really wanted to do was buy instead of rent so we opted out of that deal. And that relieved a lot of stress for me, because I was hardcore stressing over that for a month! I have worked as a leasing agent for an apartment community, it takes 10 minutes to run a credit and background check. After that it may take up to a week for outside references to get back with you (banks, employers, previous rental companies) but NOT A MONTH. Needless to say I am extremely upset with these people. So I started looking around last week at other places and I have found a really nice only 12 year old mobile home for sale with all new appliances and carpet and 3 bedrooms and 2 baths and a laundry room which would be perfect for our growing family, I looked at that Friday and Luis thinks it's a really good idea. We would only have to finance it for 6 years, my mom is coming up tomorrow to go look at it again with me and then I am going to start the paperwork so we will see how that goes *fingers crossed*.

--Which brings me to the most stressful thing of all.. Luis. No, I don't mean he is stressing me out, he is great, he is making things as easy as possible for me, he knows just how to shut me up when I go off worrying about nothing. It's his immigrant status that is what is stressing me out so bad I could SCREAM! Everyday I search around on google for different accounts of other people in my situation and there is not a lot of 'Oh, it worked out awesomely and now we are all one big happy legal family' I don't want to go in to this subject to much, but this whole process is just very expensive, and the outcome is very uncertain. It makes things very scary when you are about to give birth to a baby who's father who came here for a better life could be sent back any time to his home just because of how he came here. It's just so terrifying you can't imagine. Luis came here to work harder than anybody I have personally ever met has worked. He works 12 hours a day 6 days a week for the past 5 years and has not once even called in sick. He doesn't drink or smoke or even swear. He works hard for his money and only wants to help his family. How many people do you know leave everything they know to work their ass off just to send it to their mom and dad so they might afford medicine and a doctor? And the government wants to make it so hard for these people to even gain residency. I have spent many of emotional pregnant mood swings crying and feeling hopeless about this. I could go on and on and on about this but I think it best not to right now. Maybe next time. This was the main reason I sat down to write this. Maybe I should stop googling about these things and try to find some way to lift my spirits. Because he is here now, and whatever happens in the future I just have to be strong enough to deal with...

How did I get here?

Sometimes I am like... 'How did I get here?'

I have no idea really. I haven't done in journaling in almost a year; I feel like it would help maybe sort through common my-life-is-about-to-be-completely-different woes.

So 2010 was the hardest year I have had. I was completely broken, I had lost all self-esteem, self-worth, and especially self-respect. The year started out with my ex-husband leaving me on my birthday, spending 8 days in jail, then going back home to Missouri with only a few bags of clothes and my beloved cat. I had lost everything. With the help of my Mother I began slowly learning how to be independent and not rely on a man for the things I needed. This was easier than I thought. I had learned over that year how to lock out any kind of emotion, which is now (in 2012) still hindering my ability to show affection to my current boyfriend who probably feels unloved quite a bit. So I had my own place, I was a shift manager at a restaurant, and I had money saved up in the bank. However, emotionally I was confused, and I tried too hard to feel something for anyone but I never could. I couldn't even stand the thought of sleeping next to someone at night. If I even made it to sleep that year.. I spent the second half of 2010 wasting away what was left of myself on meth. I can't even look at pictures from that year because in all of them I was probably high. I get disgusted with myself every time I remember that year.

In January of 2011 I decided I couldn't stay in Clinton and do that to myself anymore, I finally decided that ruining the rest of my life wasn't hurting Jesse, he hadn't cared about me since the moment he walked out of the door. If anything he would have probably been happy with the reckless decisions I made in my life without him. So I moved to Lawrence. I would cut off all contact with any friends from Clinton except for LeTisha, who I would talk to but refuse to go visit. Clinton was not going to be a place where I was going to be anymore. And wasting away was something I was not going to let myself do anymore.

Lawrence was a great idea. Since moving here about 15 months ago I have been an Assistant Manager at a hotel where I met my now boyfriend. I quit smoking pot 10 months ago, I quit biting my fingernails 11 months ago, I quit smoking cigarettes 8 months ago, and I quit drinking 7 months ago. --Now before I quit drinking I was having one margarita at dinner if we went out (which was about once a week sometimes less) so it wasn't an issue but I kind of had to stop having a margarita at dinner. Because also about 7 months ago I got pregnant. Now my boyfriend and I had only been dating since late April and I found out I was pregnant in October, so kind of fast; but even though I haven't even got to hold my baby yet I love him more than I thought I could love something. All I can think is 'what can I do to make sure he has the best life ever?' My boyfriend, Luis, is very traditional and has a good job so he wants me to be a stay-at-home mom. Which I am happy with, I think; but I can't know that because I have never had to stay home and take care of a baby before. But I can't imagine I wouldn't love it, every decision I make or think about making is all about the baby.

It's overwhelming sometimes.. Sometimes I think "what if Luis and I can't stay together, what would I do then? I want my baby to have a family; to have his mom AND dad. I want him to feel love all the time and never have to ask the questions I had to like 'does my dad even love me? will he ever come see me?' " It breaks my heart thinking about it. This is a life changing thing I can never take back and I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. Am I stupid that I wasn't more careful? What if Luis and I don't work out.. am I going to be alone forever because no one wants to raise a child that's not theirs. More questions like this I ask myself, it is very overwhelming and very scary. So badly I hope everything works out, but after being abandoned myself by my father, my brother, and my ex-husband, it's hard to see someone staying.

Post-Secret Sunday

Sunday is post-secret day. I read the worlds secrets every Sunday and wonder what I would write if I sent one.

I keep blaming Jesse for who I've become... But I think it's time I start blaming myself.

I met somebody, and I can already see what I will do to make him love me, then make him miserable with thoughts of me, make him think I am too good for him, make him think there is something wrong with him... because there is something wrong with me. Even though no one has made me feel this good in a long time. Sabotage --- that's what I do to my happiness. Why?

I feel like every time I like who I'm becoming I shouldn't, because I suck either way. Because even if I think I'm a good person, deep down I'm a bad one.

I put most of my life's effort into finding where I ran off to.

I think everything's about me.

Sometimes I think animals and babies can see through me, down to some kind of evil I don't know is there yet.

A Chronicling of Life After Divorce (Nov - Present)

November 2, 2010

-What a shitty day. But I don't feel as bad as I did earlier. I have a lot to say, but don't know where to start, nor do I want to use the energy to write. What is the human purpose?

November 3, 2010

I have to be at work in an hour, I'm pretty down about it. Jen and I got into an argument yesterday. Blah, I wish a lot of things.

...

Back from work and some hangout time at Tisha's. Work was alright, my mood was still melancholy, we all got along fine it was just a weird mood. Hanging out with Tisha made me feel better... it usually does.

I need to figure out what I can do with my life that would matter. Make a difference. There has to be some reason were here. Surely it's not so we can flip burgers for 50 years then hang out being grumpy till we die. That makes no sense!

November 4, 2010

So Ann called today to ask about the 'confrontation' between Jen and I on Tuesday. She pretty much said Jen's call was ignorant and she feels like she is mediating between kids in high school. So they told Jen not to bother coming in and opening or closing tomorrow and they would just see her saturday. So I wonder if what the bosses are thinking..

It's getting super cold out -- really cold for walking to work... too cold. I wish I had a car :(.

I'm re-watching Dexter Seasons 1-4 so far I'm on Season 1 Episode 2 ha. Great show though. It's crazy to see how much the characters have changed. How much people really do always change year after year.

--I wish I would have gotten some Halloween candy.

November 6, 2010

I'm watching the Jungle Book. I love this movie, it's been years since I saw it last. I know I am supposed to be on a Dexter marathon but cartoons keep my mood up.

Sometimes I wonder how long I'll be alone. I'm scared I could easily end up alone forever. Like Katherine.. she is like 80 something and has been alone her whole life! Oh please don't let that happen to me.

--I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual translvania-- love that movie.

A Chronicling of Life After Divorce (May-Oct 2010)

May 6, 2010

Love Equals Lie

All I can think of are curves

Curves of a jawline

Curves of a waistline

The curve of a milky white neck

All smooth, all strong

All belonging to someone I don't know

Someone unknown

All that crosses my mind

Are painfully lonely thoughts

Because I am alone

Because I am all I have

What's it like to be loved?

How does it feel to be touched with caring hands?

What's it like not to be lied to?

With lying eyes

Shut those lying eyes!

Shut them and go

Leave me alone

Leave me,

So only I can lie to myself.

October 5, 2010

Let me just start by saying "Whoa, I can't believe it's been almost nine months!" I should get a refund for all that time.

Nine months ago my life was completely different. Everything about my life has changed in the past year. What a whirlwind it seems to have been since graduating high school. So many changes, so many mistakes.

Too many of the same ones.

Let's out the reminiscing/catching up bullshit for some good ol' fashion boy talk. Or should it be man? I don't feel like I should be old enough to hand out with men?! Either way.

So a week or so ago I met this dude. And let me say 'not even 5% of ANYTHING I would go for in a man' Completely opposite of what I like, what I believe. All the things I don't like in people he seems to be. Well maybe not that extreme, but close. I make fun of that! I get on to Tisha for being into bad boys and 'wangters' Lol I haven't used that word in a really long time.

Let's see, his hair his super super short- something I don't prefer. He has a little bit of a belly EW! He is violent. I mean Come On! When have I ever been with a violent man? Um, he has FIVE (5) 5 kids. Yeah. 5. Two different baby mamma's! 2! There are two things in one I have always said I will never do: Date someone with kids, especially 2 baby mamma's! WTF! WTF? WHAT THE FUCK.

He's 30, which we all know I usually date older so that's no deal. He's into some shit that I would never even give someone like that a glance. Once again, WTF? He doesn't say goodbye sometimes when he is leaving somewhere, which I just find odd. Did I mention he has 5 kids? Shit man. Anyway, I'm sure I made my point on how not my type he is.

So then.. Why did I sleep with him? Other than the obvious 'I'm recently divorced and have always had a very premiscuos lifestyle.' However I'm still trying to talk to him, Why?

--So I took a break from writing this for a few minutes and was thinking about the situation and if I think too much into things that could turn out badly. Embarrassing even. I feel like I shouldn't even elaborate on this. But I had been thinking a little about the situation today. I should stop calling it 'the situation' haha. I mean there isn't a 'situation'. I just for some reason have taken an interest in this dude. If I had to guess at why all the sudden I'm attracted to polygamous-wangster-dad's I would say maybe since my husband -shit ex-husband- was so straight and narrow, successful, and caring but behind it all was some crazy ass plan of mental sabotage and abandonment. It seems all the truly evil people are the ones we trust the most, the ambitious, charming, successful - evil. ...So maybe I think someone so obviously bad could turn out to be a genuinely caring? --I know, why on earth would I even for a second say that? --I'll finish this another time. Bed Time.

October 11, 2010

So he didn't turn out to be any better of a person than I would have expected. He came over and hung out on the 6th, last Wednesday.. And, well, He fucking stole 50.00 out of my purse! And hour after he leaves my house he calls me: "Hey, I took 50 bucks out of your purse, hey I apologize, hey I'll bring it back."

WHAT?! Yeah, dude straight up stole from me after I let him into my home and am nothing but nice and accommodating! -- At first I was like "Alright, he called and admitted to it, and he's gonna bring it back... maybe he does have human feelings." Except for instead of bringing the money back he ignored me for 3 days then gave me a motherfuckin' pistol as collateral until he got the 50.00 to pay me. What?! A fucking gun? I don't even know how to use a gun! This whole situation - and yeah it feels like a situation now - just keeps getting wackier and wackier! At this point he has gotten me interested for some stupid reason and boy got that 'dope dick'. Shit. Shit. Shit. So he promises to return in a few days with the money. In spite of good judgement, at all, I'm still talking to him. Fuck me I'm stupid.

October 14, 2010

What the hell kind of situation did I get myself into? Geez. I mean, everything is still going good with me financially and work wise, but if I slip up just a little I could loose everything I worked so hard for since the divorce (the filing of the divorce). So I really, really, can't continue on living this lifestyle. I need to get my priorities straight, and focus on work, myself, and my future. I've been doing really good besides little slip ups here and there but I can't... If I continue fucking around with this dude things could get terrible. So I'm going to tap the breaks here and go back to trying, at least a little, to deal with things....

October 18, 2010

Shit. I did nothing but get high and veg out today. I mean, I saw Tisha, Stacy, and Josh today, but I feel a tiny bit down. Jeff gave me ten bucks the other night, So I guess he's got 40.00 more to go. I wish he would get a hold of me... It's bad for me to say that, but shit, I wish he would get a hold of me... I'm just silly and lonely. It'll be different one day.

My thoughts seem alot emptier these days than they used to be. But If I were to let them wander anywhere it would be to Jesse first and that wound is just as fresh as the day it happened. I wonder how long it will take for it to seem like a distant memory.

....You'll be loved, You'll be loved

Like you never have known

And the memories of me

Will seem more like bad dreams

Just a series of blurs

Like I never Occurred

Someday, you will, be loved.....

Old DeathCab song, I hope that's true of Jesse.

-I need to shower, then maybe go to Josh's...hopefully, or, blah...

--I took a bath, I feel much better. I haven't called Josh cause I know I only want to go over there for 2 reasons. And one of those reasons leads to the other. So ultimately one reason. That I can't even be sure would pan out tonight... I should just stay here and relax, clear my head. Although I hope Jeff calls. Err.

Halloween is coming up.. I don't know what I'm going to be.. What another empty thought.

--There is nothing to be sad about,

Turn the corners of your mouth slightly upward

And brighten your eyes

There is nothing to be sad about.--

October 22, 2010

I got my money. Jeff paid me back. That's a relief. So, at least he righted his wrong. Not that I trust him, AT ALL, but he took responsibility for his actions.

Nick's moving out this weekend!!! YAY!!! I'm going to turn that second bedroom into an office/craft room--who knows. I have been trying to come up with ideas for the apartment decor but I am having a little trouble. And everything costs money. Which I'm trying to save a lot of. And now that I won't be making that 250.00 a month from Nick I'm not sure how easy it will be.

--I feel like I have forgotten how to write poems all together--

Let's see what can be

If we splash a little paint

on a 'clean slate' canvas

Weathered till smoothed by the pain

The pain that brought storms

Storms upon deafening storms

Razor-blade lightning and acid rain

Raging on and on

Until smoothed by the pain

So I gathered the memories of you

That lye scattered throughout my things

And buried them for now

For peace of mind now

October 23, 2010

Well. I have so many different, random thoughts floating around in my head, and not one of them are important enough for me to be spending time thinking about, let alone write about.

At this very moment I want so many things. I'm just not sure how many of those things are worth wanting. I wish there was a way to find some answers.

So.. this might sound retarded but (the fuck?! I'm starting to use disclaimers in my own journal!)

I kind of have been wondering lately if I have smoked way too much pot that I am loosing memory. --I'm not exactly sure on whether that's even proven, but I hope I'm not. And if this is true, I'm going to have to switch to once-a-month smoking,...or fortnight smoking, haha.

I wish I was better at staying in a good mood/being positive. I have gotten a great deal better at it than I used to be, but I can stand to get even better. If not that, I at least wish I was good at pretending to be happy. But not the fake happy that's really obvious that it's fake, but the fake happy that looks so real you would never know they weren't.

I need to write stories.

October 24, 2010

Writing used to be such a big part of me. I defined myself by my writing, I still do really... Guess that means I'm ghostly. Barely there. Blocked. Jesse is that block I'm sure of it. It's been 9 months, a long, hard, nine months. He is the block that is stuck in all my emotions. He must be removed before I can learn to feel again. I'm so tired of not being able to feel. The only two emotions I have been able to genuinely feel are anger and emptiness/loneliness. I have ghost feelings. I think I need to write a 'mock' letter to him and for the first time get out everything in me I want to say. But I am so scared of doing that, I am so afraid of the pain. But if I ignore it I know it will only get worse.

I forgot how to be human; forgot how to be more than just a shell. I have hung out with some people this past year but not one can I even begin to feel something more for than physical presence. Just company. I'm so tired of being empty. Feeling alone, not being sure of myself, self conscious, paranoid, and emotionally untrusting. How am I going to get out of this? --I know I'll get out eventually I just have to stay positive -- there's a good and a bad side to everything.. but that doesn't stop it from hurting..

...They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks, not it don't break even...

Reminds me of Jesse. There are a lot of songs that do that, but I have gotten REALLY great at turning my thinking switch OFF, especially when it comes to music. I try not to think below the surface as much as I can actually. It's really hard when it comes to TV though so I usually just avoid all sad shows ever.

I keep laying here trying to think of how I would start the 'mock' letter to Jesse and just the tiny peak I took into that pool of memories hurt, just thinking about the flood gates that would open is overwhelming. There is just so much more to it than Jesse and I (however that's about 80% of it) -there was Jasper, B-ry, Jeff & Jessica, Phil, Woody, and worst of all Mason. I think Mason and I were made from the same soul. Fuck I miss him so much. It's still easier to think about Mason than Jesse. It's so hard to even let myself. Fuck. Fuck me I'm so bitter.

October 25, 2010

Today was my day off, I slept until 3:30 after going to bed at 1:00. So I got like 2 days worth of sleep and of course I'm still tired. Tomorrow night is my first night closing by myself. Well Ann is going to be there cause I don't have a key yet, but after that I'll be a closing manager! It feels good to be promoted at work, to have them think I am doing a good enough job and trust me enough to give me that responsibility.

I don't think I have that much to say today... I wish I had a longer break from work than just one day a week sometimes..

Nick Moved out today!!!

..No one's coming home now.

October 26, 2010

It's too late for me not to be sleeping if I have to work in the morning. And I do. --Frisky Dingo is amazing, Killface is hilarious! My feet are freezing.. I don't think I have anything important to say... I closed by myself tonight, with the exception of Ann. But it went good.

October 27, 2010

I have been munching on so much food these past couple days. I really wish I had something. Even though I know I shouldn't. I need to load a bowl and forget about it....

-Only 2 hits and I already feel better. I even feel a little warmer. I feel like Christmas time inside. :) I'm going to light an apple-cinnamon-spice candle.. that smells like Christmas time.

Speaking of Christmas I have absolutely no Christmas decorations! Jesse kept them all :( which toootally sucks cause I had some pretty sentimental ones in there. Just thinking about it makes me a little nauseous.

Whatev. I'll just have to buy some new ones. Make new memories here on out.

October 28, 2010

I need to go the bank.. and Wal-Mart. I also need to clean. It's hard to go places without a car. I wish there was some way I could afford one right now. I think it would feel really good to have a car. My car used to be my sanctuary, my ticket to freedom. You can drive anywhere, anytime. But now I have no car. It's restricting. However it is money saving. I don't have insurance or gas or a car payment. All pretty spendy things.

I am really proud of myself for doing things independently. I mean I work, and I work hard, for my home and the extra's I've been able to afford. (by extra's there is really only one extra) The Internet! It feels good to know I can actually count on myself to take care of things. I was always afraid I lacked that ability. The ability to live like a responsible adult. Like my dad. I just always had that in the back of my mind. Well not anymore! I know I can do this life, I know I can make it through anything. I am becoming a good, strong person. It feels elating! This whole experience with Jesse really toughened my skin. Don't get me wrong I still have a long road ahead, but this is a great start.

I can think about anything from the past year without getting upset, even the time I spent in jail, but before that, anything about Jesse, our apartment, Colorado (it hurts to even overhear people talk about their vacations to the Springs or Denver) is fuzzy and painful..

--------

Did I mention my roommate Nick moved out? Cause he did, like 3 days ago. It's amazing. But I am having so much trouble figuring out what to do in that other bedroom. I thought about office/craft room, but that means my sole source of bedroom entertainment would move into the spare room. Which means if I do that I would have to make it as comfortable in there for me as possible. However, I could see anyone coming or going in the parking lot. And I thought about moving the TV into my bedroom, then I could play playstation and watch DVD's. Then my living room would look super bare. I would like for my bedroom to look more like a bedroom. I need to do some more painting in here.

October 30, 2010

When I grabbed this to write in tonight I had like 50 million things on my mind, but now I'm blank....

A Chronicling of Life After Divorce (Jan-March 2010)

--I haven't been able to write a whole lot the past few years, it has been hard for me.. I'm not sure why exactly, though I have my assumptions. However, I have tried to pick it back up since my divorce in order to try and sort out my feelings so maybe I can get past this confusing, almost emotionless, state of life I am living in. So the following are 'journal entries' I started when I was abandoned by my now ex-husband. --

January 31, 2010

I am home in Missouri after a year and a half in Colorado... On my birthday Jesse (my soon to be ex-husband) got me arrested and I spent 8 days in jail. I would have loved to have paper and pen in there so I would have been able to write, pass the time. It's been a hard few months, and the last 2 weeks have been the hardest. I'm surprised at Jesse's coldness, it will take a long time to trust a man again... if ever.

-I should say more, I should really let out all of this emotion, pour out everything that could be in my brain, but for now I think it's all been shocked into hiding, and now I'm numb. -

But it's nice to be at home with my family.

February 2, 2010

I know it will be good for me if I write... but it seems very hard for me. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy, something Tisha has gotten me into... that's something nice being in the same place as LeTisha, but I can't just go hang out anytime, which sucks, but it won't always be like that...

Justin his beating on his bass drum, it sounds like an angry pounding. My angry heart beating.. Yes, an angry heart, a betrayed heart, an untrusting heart, a small shrunken heart. I want to change all that, but I think I have to let everything out before I start building back up.. But I'm not ready for the hurt and emotion I know it will bring.

..Alone...Afraid....Tired...Co-dependent..

February 4, 2010

I have to be a good person, I want to be a good person. I have to figure out how, and I have to let all of this out. I need to turn my selfishness into selflessness. I need to start now.

February 15, 2010

It's a life with just me. It's my life, Jesse is gone, I'm alone, it is once again all MINE. MY choices, MY mistakes, MY love, MY excitement, MY MY MINE.

February 18, 2010

I need to meet new people. I kind of want to try out Springfield, I think it might be a nice change of pace. I'm also thinking about nursing school..everything deserves thought, it will just take me a while to figure out a direction I really want to go.

On another note

All people are selfish, all of us have one person in our minds: ourselves. I don't know the answers to some of the simplest questions. I have a ton of learning to do. Slowly, step-by-step.

Why? Why? Why?

February 19, 2010

The weather matches my mood. Depressed, grey, and cold. I'm starting to realize I have no one to lean on besides myself. It's hard, I'm getting sad. I'm trying really hard to learn to depend on me, I think it's going to take a long time.

March 2, 2010

I need to find a job. Get a car, get a place to live. Get my stuff back from Colorado. Go back to school. I need to get back in school before June... I need to get Jasper before May... I need a car, like, now. I have a $356.00 speeding ticket due this month, and I have about 450.00. So 100.0000 to last me till I get a job... geez. I'm thinking about applying at Antioch Hills for a place to live... It's income based which would be really helpful for me.

School, school, school, home, car, money, home, car, INDEPENDENCE.

I dealt with the Jesse thing, -the whole stupid divorce thing-, just a little bit, and I guess that's what it takes, a little bit each day.

I wish I knew the first step to finding myself... that information would be pretty helpful right now. But it seems the older I get the more I realize that no one has a clue to life's questions. Why?

I'm trying to decide if I need a fresh start, or just work with what Clinton has to offer.

"Sonja, I need you, please, let's hold eachother up."

March 3, 2010

Let's get to know Sonja.

At this moment I like all colors. I like the warmth of the sun. I sometimes like overcast skies. I love cats. I believe in Fairies and magic. I love candles and candle-light. I love coffee, the smell, the taste, the energy. I like incense, I love music, all kinds. I have a guilty pleasure of reality television. Honesty and loyalty are important to me. I absolutely love to laugh.

This may take a while.

I have blue/grey, big round eyes, with super long eyelashes. I love love love my baby boy Converse. I have a bear I have slept with since I was a year old. His name is Mandy Bear Summers. I can't quit biting my fingernails. I like to draw, I'm ok at it. I like to create, even though I don't know how to create much. I like to find answers, knowing answers makes me feel like I've solved something. I like fractions. I love video games, card games, board games, and computer games. I love Mountain Dew. I also love sprinkles and icing. I don't like technecalities.

March 4, 2010

So today I'm going job hunting... I hope I find something soon. At this point I don't care where I get a job so long as I have one.
I'm dissappointed in Sean, I wish he wasn't being an ass. But I need to focus on myself instead of worrying about what everyone else is doing. I just wish I knew where to start. I need my stuff back from Colorado.

March 5, 2010

*text between in my wingman in Colorado. Chris.*

Wingman: Hey girl you out there?

Me: Barely haha

WM: Lol. Sorry. just sitting around here at Dustins. And it's my sisters bday party. so i though i would say hi. okay im really stoned.. heehee and you?

ME: cool. tell everyone i said what's up! i wish i was stoned, but i am at my moms and she lives in the country so im SOL. how have things been?

WM: its been good. i have been looking at a place to move in. spring is in 15 days from now. cant wait for springtime in the rockies. and all the weed is med.

ME: aw shit sweet! i am trying to figure out life right now, im stuck in small town missouri with all of my possesions in colorado i have only a fraction of my clothes with me. and i am staying at my moms with no direction to look. what do people do in these situations?

WM:wow thats a big question. wow mmmm. i dont know girl. to start off with make a list of things you need and want to make you happy. start with your dreams. like what do you dream of i.e. your daydreams.

ME: well that sounds like a good start. to be gross and girly for a second: i appreciate your friendship, i was having alot of fun hanging and im disappointed it got cut short. my aunt wants me to move back out there and i really want to. i could be a full blown wingman now that im not married lol.

WM: ooo.. your the best. for a girl. but your going to be okay. now thats from one friend to a wingman.

ME: :) thanks, ill keep my head up. but you cant go getting a replacement wingman on me. i will return! it feels nice to be missed. i miss your face too!

WM: And not to sound sappy, you have been missed. thats why i text you. okay kid-o i will not get a new wingman. if you move out here hehe. and make it even better, your first week back i will get you so high you will have to go spraypaint something.

ME: shit yea im in

WM: so girl get your head on right. and get things in order, and start smiling more and more everyday. you'll be in the place you need to be to make your way out here to manitou springs colorado.

ME: that sounds fantastic and helps me breathe a little smoother.. ill start that head clearing right away.

---And I think that's just what I needed. Someone to believe I was gonna be okay.

Chris (wingman) and I kept talking but by this point he was getting drunk and his texts stopped making sense. but it was nice to talk to him, he really got my head going in a different direction.

March 7, 2010

The more I think about it the more and more I want to go back to Colorado. Jesse can't run me out... I have court tomorrow, Hopefully it goes well for me. I can't do anything until court is done and over with. ---Out of sight, out of mind. I've already forgotten about Sean. On a different note, I found Cecils old truck in the morton building yesterday, just sitting not being used. So I asked my mom what was wrong with it.. turns out it's only a bad steering column, so I asked if I payed for it to get fixed if I could have it and she seemed pretty please that that idea. Now all I have to do is ask Pat. It would be really amazing if that worked out for me. I would have a vehicle! I'm going to ask mom to talk to Pat today. *fingers crossed*

..Later on..

Pat said we would talk about the truck when he got back from Alabama. Hopefully it's a good talk.

I'm trying to focus on 'now', it's kind of hard, but I just have to think "Today, today I'm here, who knows of tomorrow.. today, today."

I have been doing some thinking about volunteer work, I think it would be a good way to clear away all this terrible karma I'm carrying around.

March 16, 2010

So I think there are 5 days until spring. So that's exciting. Tomorrow I am going into Sonic to talk my way into a job. I am sooo tired of not working. Hopefully I can start working right away and many hours! I need some money!

I have been feeling like I need to create something lately, but what?

-Keep moving forward-

I've been thinking about writing alot lately too.

March 20, 2010

-"History books forgot about us, and the bible didn't mention us.. not even once."-

March 21, 2010

Yesterday and today have been particularly hard for me. I have been having really vivid dreams lately; really vivid and really painful. In all my dreams I am rejected in someone, or terribly disrespected... by men. I am coming to the painful realization that 1. I don't know how to take care of myself and 2. I am a nasty person; a difficult, dramatic needy, manipulative, disrespectful, and self-centered person.

March 30, 2010

So it's almost April. I have been in Missouri for two months now, I still have nothing more than when I first came here.. Poop.

-Brian had sex

With a really dumb girl

Now he's taking Stewie

To get some icecream

In his car --

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

Is it true that for every year that passes a new year will come bringing new meaning? New feeling to which you must adapt and throw away the old? I wrote in two posts ago that dated to around July 2007 'will the words i say now mean anything to me in a year?' answer: no. It's very betraying of oneself to move in and out of feelings and truth with lies. And I definitaly was betraying and talking myself into being in love with a man I was not. Of course count on good ol' time to unveil the truth, and here I am several depressed nights, lonely small living arrangements, deteriation of once a put together me, later ... and I have been saved.
It's funny to me how I look through the small amount of posts I have on this blog and how I so easily throw such words around like 'love' and 'marriage' when I wanted to mean them, and I thought I ment them, but alas in the back of my mind which I knew all along, I didn't full heartily mean it. I ment that I hoped and I wanted but came up short in the people I had found, or otherwise came out on top but sabotaged it for myself. However I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, and you know I am very grateful for the people I've known and spent my time with, learning so many wonderful things from all of them, and without it I wouldn't be who I am, and I wouldn't have been given the greatest gift of surprise and love and friendship in such a clean honest package.

Enter Jesse Left Stage:
Sitting at my computer desk just finishing with the joint Tisha had just rolled, I was searching around and playing music, while Tisha sat at the breakfast table listening to her MP3 and texting away on her phone. It had been a crazy year so far, and not even half way through it. Tisha and I definitly had a falling out when I was stuck up Cory's ass, but the minute he left me and all the drama went down she was right there to help me out. To pick me up off the ground if you will. Ever since I was kicked to the curb I was like 'no way, this is not going to happen to me again. Fuck men, I don't need 'em. Well only physically, then I can throw them to the side.' So after 6 months or so of joint after joint, game after game, and mindlessly working but not too often, not to mention the living room turned bedroom I was renting out , and the lonely nights when Tisha decided she needed to go home, or then when she got her own place. There was only some boyish figure that helped keep me synthetically warm. It was only for lack of energy I let him hang around. Anyways, there we are sitting in my living room apartment waiting to pick up a friend to take them to work when there is a knock on the door. Maybe Chris walked down here so we don't have to stop by his house, I was thinking. 'Tisha will you get that' However she couldn't hear me over the MP3 player, so I put away the pot and headed towards the door. Open, 'Hi?' 'Hi , I'm from the church of Jesus Christ Ladder Day Saints and was wondering if you had a minute' Move cigarette behind back. 'Uh...' 'No I'm just kidding I'm with Zack.' Forget about dude and step out the door to see Zack, hug, and then properly introduce myself to who I find out is Jesse. From that point on it was compliment after compliment, door holdings and date makings. 2 weeks later I was in my car full of everything I could fit, including my trustee cat Converse ,and Jesse was right there in the passenger seat following his friend Jeff with the rest of my stuff in the bed of his truck, while we drove the long drive to Colorado. 'You know, it's not too late to get out of this, if you don't want to move to Colorado I won't be mad at you, no one will, we can take you back home, I could move out here..' 'No, this is great. Colorado will be better for me, for us.'

History in the making my friends.

This Christmas he gave me a ring, and this time instead of laughing and saying 'of course' - I cried and smiled and kissed him and said 'I love you, yes' and it was beautiful. Now I'm not going to explain why it is I love him, like I do over and over with every other person, because it doesn't really concern me if other people know why I love him, or even that I do. What concerns me is that my life is with him, and now it can finally begin.

The Trees Get Wheeled Away

so it's funny how life works... how things fall differently then you would have expected... the worst comes out in people far too often lately. i realize i have spent too much time trying to grow up and be an adult way too fast. so now im trying to degress a little. it scares me always about the small amount of time we have here. so im planning something really fantastic to do with the next year of my young life... a 'nomadic roadtrip' as i like to call it. i have been pouring myself into research and preparing and organizing. it will be amazing and i would love to elaborate... but maybe later. its late and i would like to do some organizing of the spare bedroom before i hit the sack.

on another note... i need to work out... i think that will be my new years resolution, to work out... at least crunches everyday.. i miss those. and my appetite is getting rediculous. its so unpredictable and up and down. one day i wont eat anything, the next ill eat like 3 meals a day or some what... its weird. anyways... this was a tad pointless and random... much more later.

nostalgia is a bitch

so i am here at home, surfing the internet, being bored, and thinking WAY too much.

to just jump right into it... i have made the biggest decision i will ever make in my life: to marry somebody, namely cory richardson. he makes he happy, hes my best friend, we work so well together, and most importantly, i love him. in may of 2008 we will make the commitment to each other to spend the rest of our lives together, which is a huge deal. and i suppose one doesnt really realize how huge of a deal it is until they really sit down and think about it. now i am perfectly happy with the decision i have made to spend the rest of my life with him, it just makes you think about the life you had leading up to the moment you know?

now i have met some amazing people in my short 19 years, and i cant even begin to describe the way each one has made their own mark in my life. its really just overwhelming to think about everything i have done, and everyone that has come and gone along the way. certain things i feel regret towards, other things i feel priveledged to have gotten certain opportunities to have gotten to share moments in time with so many different and wonderful people. but where did those people go?! i wish they were still apart of my life, but sadly thats how life goes i guess, and it cannot be changed. it really makes me think a great deal about how we only have this one single life that seems to take forever when your young but in the end will have gone by far too quickly. and i am constantly worried upon the fact that i must make it count. i must do the things i want, and be the person i want to be. it comes down to making every decision very thought out and very precise as to how it will effect any situation in anyway. what if i make a mistake? everyone makes mistakes i know, but to really think about the short amount of time we have here it just makes mistakes seem like there is no room for them. i feel like i dont have the proper time to make mistakes, or to make the wrong choice. i feel like i should be great. i should do something meaningful, i should really take life 'by the horns' if you will. its all just a scary scary mess.

after so long i feel that words dont even matter. as if you could say anything you want to somebody, make any statement, and in the end if one cant see it within you, they have some odd 6th sense to know that they are just words. that they are only letters formed together to prove some point that will fade soon after. i feel that when i talk it is meaningless, it is nonsense to everyone else and i might as well have been mute. i remember some of the things i have said to some people and i know just how i felt when i said them, and i know that when i said them, at the time i completely believed in what i was saying. it drives me crazy now, to know that i have believed those things then, but where the hell are they now? why arent those words still true? will the words i say now be true in a year? my mind seems like its changing all the damn time! its a good thing i know, because i can look back through my life and see all of the changes i have made within myself, and all of the progress i have shown, and its like cant anybody else see that? if it was all laid out in black and white i would be able to say 'wow i am growing into a very responsible, conformed, yet mildly mental adult. but when i think about how i feel about it, its like why am i not the person i thought i was going to be? why am i so god damn normal? why am i working in a factory, in the town i hate, surrounded by memories that chase me everywhere...

i have so much more i want to say... its just all a mess up there right now. this whole thing was a result of thinking about 10 things at once, and surpressing it for far too long.

*me: how come you just dont understand me sometimes?
cory: because you think deep, and i have never been able to.*